Circles of control

Wouldn’t it be great if we could control everything? Imagine how much more secure and confident we might feel?

As much as we’d like to do this, it isn’t always possible in life, especially during turbulent times that you or those you care about may be facing. Plus it’s not healthy to control everything either, as over-controlling can be exhausting for you and difficult for others.

This Researcher Renew activity helps you note the things you can address, the things you can’t, and how it’s okay to let the latter go. It may involve feelings of discomfort or facing your fears, so if you’re not in a good place today come back to this activity later in the month (or whenever you feel up to it).

Feeling out of control or being subjected to things beyond our control can increase our anxiety and leave us feeling overwhelmed, particularly if we’re someone that needs clear instructions, boundaries and routines to feel safe; or if significant life events have made us temporarily or permanently insecure. We may find ourselves worrying about a growing range of things, some of which we are at risk of but others that will never affect us. This might leave us feeling fragile but also worried that we’re stressing too much. Or that people might judge us for our fears, or avoid or abandon us.

If you’ve previously been rejected or mocked when help seeking that’s a reasonable concern, but equally you may feel at a time when everyone is struggling you have no right to be as worried as you are. And if you’re engulfed by fears and intrusive thoughts you may feel as if they cannot be stopped – which in turn might affect your sleeping and eating habits, your relationships with other people, and your ability to seek help.

You may avoid asking others to assist you because you don’t want to be judged, or feed your fears with endless online searches for stories or information that only worsen your feelings of panic and distress. If you are prone to obsessive, compulsive, anxious, paranoid or depressive episodes, stress may exacerbate those and at this point you may want to pause and contact your GP or speak to your therapist or mental health team (if you have one) before reading further.

Circles of Control – what are they and how might they help you?

Circles of Control is a tool created by Stephen Covey, designed to encourage you differentiate between the things you have some control or influence over and the things you do not.

Here’s how it works.

1. Draw a circle and write inside it anything that’s bothering you which you have direct control over – the things you have the power and ability to change or alter. This is your Circle of Control.
2. Draw another circle around the outside of the first, this is your Circle of Concern (also referred to as the Circle of No Control) these are things you have no control over and therefore are unable to directly change or influence and should avoid wasting time, money or emotional energy trying to fix.

Noting what you can’t control allows you to let go of that and focus instead on what you can do something about – either by yourself or with the support of others.

The Counselling Teacher has this helpful blog post explaining more about how Circles of Control work and ways you can make them in different, creative ways. I have adapted one of their ideas with the example below that you might like to use to identify what you can, and can’t control.

If we take the template above, what could you put in the inner circle or outside it? What things are worrying you that you might be able to do something about, and what will you let go of?

Let’s try two examples. Studying for an exam, and reactions to the Covid-19 pandemic.

If you’re worried about passing an exam your Circle of Control might include the things you can do to help yourself – going to classes; taking notes; revising; ensuring you have the necessary equipment for studying and taking exams; requesting accommodations if those have not been provided; or asking a tutor for help if you don’t understand the work that has been set.

Of course you’re still going to feel nervous – thats a normal, appropriate and understandable response – but if you begin to take control you will be more prepared and have a better chance of succeeding.  In this example for the Circle of No Control you might note what you can’t do anything about such as what will be on the exam paper (because unless you’ve bribed someone you won’t know what that will be!). You also have no control over whether other people are studying (their choice), and whether some people do better than you (some will, some won’t, that’s life). Noting what you can’t do anything about regarding exams gives you space to calm and focus on what you are able to do to give yourself opportunities to do well.

How about Covid-19? Thinking back to the height of the pandemic, how might the Circle of No Control have been applied? It might have included noting whether other people wore masks, got vaccinated, or practiced social distancing; what other people believed about the pandemic (including conspiracy theories); news reporting about the pandemic and death statistics; what provisions were in the shops (including toilet roll); and how long the pandemic would impact on us globally.  You had no control over any of these things. You couldn’t make people wear masks (and some were rightfully exempt from doing so), you didn’t make all the news coverage in the world, you couldn’t stop people getting sick, and had no influence over the entire country’s food chains and shop supplies. You alone cannot change how long or how severely pandemics affect us all.

Recognising this might make you feel a bit wobbly or overwhelmed, taking you back to a difficult time. But that was why the Circle of Influence was so powerful. With so many things out of our control we had to look for what we were able to deal with ourselves. There were things you COULD do and DID have control over. You could engage in social distancing or shielding, you could wear a mask if you were able and could also wash your hands regularly and use sanitiser. You could switch off the news or limit your consumption of it. You could decide to avoid those spreading conspiracy theories, but give extra time to loved ones who made you feel supported. If you were offered the vaccine you could’ve chosen to take it (if no other health conditions prevented this), and you might have identified safer shopping times or stores you feel comfortable in or ask someone to help with your shopping, or use a food bank if necessary.

With these two examples it becomes clear there are many things outside your control – some of which will be impacted by other people and some of which may be more manifestations of your internal fears. There will also be things you can take charge of. The goal is to differentiate between what you cannot deal with and what you can and to focus on the latter, ignoring the former.

Putting this into practice

Having drawn out the things you can and cannot control in relation to whatever is troubling you or putting you at risk you can start taking action. Those things you cannot control? Give yourself very firm permission to ignore them. If it helps, say (or even shout) “STOP!” or “GO AWAY!” in your head or even out loud if you find your thoughts spiralling.

Switch off social media if it’s making things worse. The things you do have influence over may still be sources of worry or leave you feeling frightened, but you can reduce that with your own actions and by trying to calm or seeking mental health advice if needed. Self-influence doesn’t mean standing alone, it means drawing on all sources of care and information to ensure you feel more secure.

Some people find this a useful activity to do by themselves, others as a group activity as a means to identify key things people are worried about and offer practical solutions. You could also use this in pastoral care and teaching settings, in community or outreach work, or if you are supporting someone who struggles with anxiety and stress.

You can be creative in different ways you make and complete your circles. Some people find making them digitally is helpful, others transfer them from circles into lists. Still more draw their circles on paper and represent what they can or can’t control visually with their own illustrations, stickers or collage.  The act of creating these circles may be therapeutic in their own right. And if you feel unable to tell someone how you are feeling you can show them what you’ve recorded in your circles.

If you found this difficult

This can be a tricky activity to learn, and may take practice to get used to. You will need to adapt your Circles of Control to different situations or review them over time. You may also find it difficult to know exactly what to put write or feel self conscious or guilty thinking about your worries. Note these reactions and, if appropriate, seek help for them (see links above).

When I’ve done this exercise with other people sometimes their response to their Circle of No Control is ‘everything’ – indicating just how stressed and overwhelmed they feel. Equally when it’s time to think of ways they could manage issues in their Circle of Influence they feel helpless and don’t know where to begin or are even resistant to the suggestion there might be some small actions to take to regain some control over their circumstances.

Don’t criticise or shame yourself if this is your reaction. Instead, notice it’s happening and give yourself time to consider why. It may be useful to write down or record yourself describing how you feel, leaving things for a while, and returning to this activity when you feel in a better frame of mind, drawing on your observations.

Strong feelings and resistance to this activity may be more acute if you’re depressed, are being bullied or abused, are in a precarious situation, are neurodivergent, or if you are fearful about asking for help. You may find all of Being Well In Academia but especially Chapter 3 helps you identify why you might struggle to seek or accept care you’re  entitled to. You may also find trying the Letting Go Researcher Renew activity prior to creating your Circles of Control allows a more gentle way to approach things.

Instead of starting with two circles you might want to sketch out a list of what is troubling you. Then pick the most pressing thing. And from that noting what are the aspects of it that are bothersome? At this point you may be ready to break down what you can’t do about said thing, and what you can do now or in the future to help yourself.

Remember this is not an activity designed to excuse things that are happening in the world that are unequal, oppressive or unfair and nor does it come with the expectation that by identifying things you may have some control over that you accept abuse or harm. Neither is it a replacement for mental health care, or other emotional assistance.

The Red Cross have produced this video that explains more about Circles of Control and how to use them, alongside this guide and transcript of the video that you may find useful if you’re not quite sure how to apply this activity.